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THE BRO CODE:
1) Bros before hoes. The bond between two men is stronger than that between a man and a woman because on an average, men are stronger than women. That’s just science.
2) A bro is always entitled to do something stupid as long as the rest of his bros are all doing it. For example... If only one Spanish dude were to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would have been like "Dude, come on!!". The license to be stupid is why we have bros in the first place.
3) If a bro gets a dog, it must be atleast as tall as his knee when full grown. Corollary to this states, naming a lap-dog after a pro-wrestler or a character from a Steve McLain movie does not absolve a bro from this article.
4) A bro never divulges the existence of the bro code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason.
NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.* Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.
5) Whether he cares about sports or not, a bro cares about sports.
6) A bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other bros in a gym locker room. Corollary to this states, if a bro gets naked in the locker room, all other bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while at the same time immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage. If your towel drops to the ground, so should your eyes.
7) A bro never sends a greeting card to another bro. There are no sentiments between two bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail.
8) A bro never admits he can’t drive stick even after an accident.
9) Should a bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow bros will not make lame jokes such as "Gimme three" or "Wow!! Quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball!!" It’s still a hi-five and that bro still has a lot of balls, metaphorically speaking of course.
10) A bro will drop whatever he is doing and rush to help his bro dump a chick. It’s normal for a bro to get confused and disoriented when dumping a chick. For some reason he is worried she will become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to hook up with her friends. This is when a bro most needs his bro to remind him that there are plenty of chick in the ocean and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful or even time- consuming. How to dump an chick in 6 words or less...
- “Maybe try a side salad instead."
- “Cute!! You ‘re growing a moustache too!!"
- “She looks like a younger you!!"
- “I will finance a boob job."
- “Sorry I threw your shoes out."
- “Your sister let me do that!!"
11) A bro may ask another bro to help him move. But only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large furniture pieces. If the bro has vastly underestimated, either his bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are, in most cases stuck in a door-way.
12) Bros do not share dessert.
13) All bros shall dub one of their bros his wingman.
14) If a chick enquires about another bros’ sexual history, a bro shall honor the Br-ode of silence and play dumb. Better to have women think that all men are stupid than to tell the truth.
15) A bro never dances with his hands above his head.
16) A bro should be able to recite anytime the following reigning champions: Super bowl, World series and Play Mate of the year.
17) A bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers unless they are beneath him on the pyramid of screaming. America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder and the tradition has been screamed to generation from generation. But you just can’t scream at anybody. You can only scream beneath you.
18) If a bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group.
Note: To avoid confrontation it’s a good idea to jettison the receipt before returning to the party.
19) A bro shall not sleep with another bro’s sister. However, a bro shall not get angry if another bro says "Dude, your sister’s hot!!". Corollary, it is probably better for everyone if bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other bros are coming over. When in doubt refer to the check list for bro-proofing your home.
20) A Bro respects his Bros in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.
21) A Bro never shares observations about another Bro's smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying "she's smoking-hot, huh?" a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he's the only one who should be baiting.
22) There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro. Women make excellent bros because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the chick code (Chick do have the chick code!!).
23) When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's athletics, and on some occasions surgery programs.
24) When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o'clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.
25) A Bro doesn't let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girls name. The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts 83 days. The relationship between man and his skin lasts a life time and must be nurtured because the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has.
26) Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.
27) A Bro never removes his shirt in front of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach. Corollary, a bro with a coat of fur on his back, keeps that thing covered at all times even at resort, pool or beach.
28) A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a fight between two fellow human beings of the female variety. If an informed bro is unable to witness the fight first hand, a spotter bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of girl fight via pictures, video or, barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime.
29) If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40pm. Also despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.
30) A Bro doesn't comparison shop.
31) When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know.
32) A Bro doesn't allow another Bro to get married until he's at least thirty.
33) When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, "What is this, a chicks' restroom?" if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to basketball toss his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball...rebounding is optional.
34) Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil's Three-way.
35) A Bro never rents a chick flick.
36) DD: When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts.
37) A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly they're not that heavy.
38) Even in a fight to the death a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.
39) When a Bro gets a chicks number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her. The reason is Bro-flation. An unreasonable increase in female expectations about how bros should act. You call a woman the next day, she tells her friends that you called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. Before you know it, bros the world over will find themselves trapped in relationships and all because you couldn’t wait 96 little hours.
40) Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as "a bachelor party."
41) A Bro never cries. Exceptions- Watching Field of Dreams, ET or a sports legend retire (only first time he retires).
42) Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or a Bro hug, but never a full embrace.
43) A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn't America.
44) A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro. Exceptions – If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.
45) A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club. Reasons – a) Cloth pockets are roomier and elastic allowing for a thicker wad of cash. b) Denim clashes with the club’s leopard, zebra or other safari animal motif. c) One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER – Zipper. d) It’s a performance and deserves respect. e) You don’t feel it as much on your… you know what..
46) If a Bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.
47) A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe.
48) A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he's banged. Corollary – A bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.
49) When asked, "Do you need some help?" a Bro shall automatically respond, "I got it," whether or not he's actually got it. Exceptions – Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car and loading an expensive TV on to an expensive car.
50) If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro's undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.
51) A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.
52) A Bro is not required to remember another Bros birthday, though a phone call every not and again probably wouldn't kill him.
53) Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.
54) A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Paddy's Day and other official Bro holidays, including Halloween, New Year's Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13th)
55) Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro.
56) A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/chick Ration at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Bro-flation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
57) A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.
58) A Bro doesn't grow a moustache. Exception – While shaving it’s more than ok for a Bro to keep the whiskers around his mouth till the end so that he might temporarily experiment with different facial hair configurations.
59) A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of state or, like, crazy expensive (Crazy expensive bail >(years you've been bros) x $100)
60) A Bro shall honor they father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity.
61) If a Bro for whatever reason becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.
62) In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they're the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo* shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there. *Rock, paper, scissors for Bros.
63) A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection. Bro-tection forms a central pillar or, more accurately, a plastic coating for the central pillar of the Bro way of life.
While not legally or physically responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it’s not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a disease. Some of which, such as children, can last an entire lifetime.
64) A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the second Bro's favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.
65) A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros. Exception - A Bro is off the hook if a Bro orders a drink with an umbrella in it.
66) If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a 'that sucks, man' and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary - deserved or not - regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.
67) Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.
68) If a Bro be on hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent. Exception - Dry spell trumps hot streak.